TAPE

Hey everyone! Long time no talk! Things are going good here considering two weeks until semester is over and then it is Christmas Break! I am so incredibly excited to come home for more than 5 days. I expect that Christmas break will be good with time to see friends, NO homework, and NO Old Navy. I officially quit for those who don't know. Things are really busy here finishing up everything, but I know I will feel amazing when it is all done.

Well, the point of writing this is to let you all know of something I involved in. I am in an acting production series called Ten Ten Ten. What it is, is 10 shows that are 10 minutes long performed at 10:10 pm. There are 9 (usually ten) shows and I am in one of them! They are performed over a two night span. So 5 one night and 4 the next. I am in one called TAPE and I perform this Wednesday the 5 and Friday the 7th, and I think you all should come. It is completely free and will be fun to watch. I totally get to be cruel and mean and it is extremely fun. So if you want to see me as some supernatural, cruel, unhuman being, then you should come!

Let me know and I can give you the details on where it is on campus.

I hope you can make it!

A Tear

I am not really sure what I want to say in this so I will just see what comes out. I am terribly upset right now. Most people around me here probably wouldn't notice but I can definitely feel it inside. I don't particularly want to say what it is that I am upset about through a blog but if you ask then I might tell you. I would like to say hi to all my friends back home. I am sorry if I don't seem like I am making an effort to keep in touch while I am gone. I really do care about you guys and it isn't personal towards you. I have always had a character flaw where I just expect people to contact me instead of the other way around. I am sorry for that and I am not naive to it. It is a two way street though. I do want to say that I still care about you all and miss you a lot. Just because I am away at college it doesn't mean that everything is hunky dory. It is actually a lot harder to find friends you can really confide in then you would imagine. No friends here are like the ones I can trust back home. So yea I am dealing with some stuff so if any of you could pray for me then that would be amazing. Thanks for listening.

Alone in the Rain

It is early in the morning
And there is one thing I can’t quit doing
That is thinking of you
Whether I distract myself
Or choose to give in
It doesn’t stop
It upsets me sometimes
I hate feeling hurt and sad
And yet there are those moments that are unbelievable
It is those other moments that bring everything down
Those times are cold
They are numbing
They are unbearable
And yet they have to happen,
How can anyone know how strong they are
If they only go through the easy times
How can anyone know the love they have
The love they hold
Unless they are forced to bear it
Forced to question it
Questioning can make you stronger
So I guess my point is
It hurts
Its cold
The confusion
The miscommunication
The Silence
It is like rain
And yet it isn’t something to hide from
It is something to embrace
Something that as broken as it can make you feel
The tears that it can make fall
It will prevent in the future
It will heal
It will make stronger
It will warm

A Quick Hello

Ok so I don't have a ton of time but college has been fun so far, but extremely busy. Classes start tomorrow so I will let you know how it goes. Here is a picture of my new friends and I before our hoe down Saturday night. I have friends! Anyway from left to right is Ann, then me, then Stephanie (my roommate), then Kaitlyn, and lastly Maria. I hope you all are doing well and I miss you! Keep in touch. (I will write more soon)

Overlooked Happiness

When asked what one thing makes people between the age of 13 and 24 most happy, 20 percent mentioned spending time with family — more than anything else. About three-quarters — 73 percent — said their relationship with their parents makes them happy. After family, it was relationships with friends that people mentioned most and then relationships with significant others. Religion followed up close behind.

This is an excerpt from an article on MSN about what makes youth truly happy. I wanted to point this out for a couple of reasons and first and foremost because of how interesting it is. Most adults would assumed the cliche sex, drugs, and alcohol and all that partying would make teens happy but the statistics show that activities like sex actually showed teens to be less happy. How many of you expected to see parents and family at the top of the list though?

One thing I have experienced in my life and seen so often through my friends is how little time we spend at home. We are always with our friends and trying to leave home. We believe that being away from our parents will make us happier but after reading this article and spending the day with my parents I see something different. I am not saying that spending time with Zack or other friends doesn't make me happy because it does! But the happiness from really getting along with my parents and spending the day with them was different. On Sunday I went to Enchanted Forest with them and it was so much fun!

I can be happy away from friends and it is a completely different feeling. Knowing that no matter what I do my parents will always love me and care for me is a relief. If one thinks about it, it isn't the same with our friends. We would like to believe that no matter what happens or how our lives change through the year that we can always be friends, but it doesn't happen like that. I learned that this year. The truth is we have pressure. We have pressure from our friends to make sure we don't upset each other or disagree too often or we might lose our friendship. We have to make a daily effort to communicate with one another or our friendship might slip away. No wonder friends is not the number one thing that makes teens happy. Don't you so how much pressure there really is? With our family or parents though, if you fight you will forgive, if you don't talk for a day-you don't assume they have something against you- THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT!

I have seen lately so many of my friends hurting for different reasons and it just supports this theory. I have one friend who seems so often hurt by there friends that they always seems angry or upset. What doesn't help is that they don't have a great relationship with their family either. Not having that relationship with their family first and then the imbalance of their friends seems to make for a stressful life. I know someone else that doesn't have a good relationship with their family and it seems to hurt them and their morale as well.

I know there are different reasons for all of this, whether it be a bad childhood, divorce, lack of communication, or w/e but it can't be ignored. The one thing that is really sad is sometimes the parents don't realize the way their teens need them. It might be the complete opposite, the kids are home but the parents aren't. I often feel like we live in a sad generation where family and the relationships within are not looked at as important. Or if they are looked at as important, they have a distorted image. It can't always be blamed on the teen, and so in that case I wish the parents would open up their eyes as well and see what is happening to their family around them.

I guess my point is, is that as teens we often think that we don't need our family or parents. We are growing up and need our friends more than anything. I have come to realize though that first and foremost I need my parents and family to keep me happy. Then my friends and other loved ones. If it is possible for you, try to work on that first connection because somehow without the stress of hurting your parents or of knowing the continuous love they offer you, it can brighten up your day or your life and allow you to create happiness elsewhere as well.

It's Burning Inside

It is like something is burning inside. Look at the above photo. What do you see? The fire is completely consuming and destroying the wood within it. It will continue to burn until there is nothing left inside. Is there anyway to stop it? Well sorta...I mean you could throw a bunch of water on it and stop the fire but it would still leave a lot of damage.
So I have a point to saying this. I feel like this is what is happening with me. The fire within me is anger. I am so easily angered right now. I am sorry if I have taken it out on you. I am just not sure what to do at this point. I get angered if I hear about something I didn't know. I get angered if things don't go my way. I even get angered when good things happen for other people because I don't seem to have that "luck." I guess that could also be jealousy. What am I to do? I really hope I can figure this out before the fire within me completely destroys me like that wood up above. I hope I can find my water before it is too late and I am completely destroyed.
And just for anyone who chooses to comment with "Give your anger to God," I already know that thanks, it just isn't that easy for me.

What do you think?

So after my graduation on Monday I went to a freakin sweet graduation party (if you will be a senior next year at BHS then I definitely recommend going to yours). There was loads of food and I mean good food too: Panda Express, Big Town Hero, pizza, chocolate fountains, snow cones, espresso bar, etc. We got to gamble, win cool, and when I say cool I mean really cool, prizes like laptops and stuff (of course I didn't win one) and go swimming and rock climb and see the most incredible hypnotist show ever! Well I am writing this because we also got to get fake tattoos. I got three and I wish I could have gotten more. I can defninitely understand why real tattoos are addicting because once I got one I wanted more in other locations too. I want a real tattoo! I have actually wanted one for multiple years and I always hoped I would get mine with Dad. Well he got one over a year ago on his 50th birthday and I am still waiting. Why you may ask? Because my mom is against it. I don't quite understand why...I think it is just because she thinks they are ugly and they could be put in a bad location where you can't hide them if you are trying to look elegant or something but that doesn't really bother me. After getting my fake ones I figured out that I like the idea of having one on my back but up towards/on a shoulder blade. I also liked the idea of having a cross there. I mean it isn't tacky or inappropriate and so I hope to get one one day. What do you think about my idea? Or just tattoos in general? Or do you have any cool designs for a cross that I could use one day?

My Life Starts Here?

So I graduated on Monday and it is a weird thing to think about. One always imagines going to their ceremony and then feeling dramatically different afterwards but it doesn't really happen like that. It feels the same to me and I expect that in a couple months I will be heading back to Beaverton and seeing all the same people again. It won't be like this though. When I was walking off the stage after shaking hands with a few district managers and accepting my diploma from the principal, the main district manager shook my hand and said to me "Have a nice life" I walked away snickering because it made me feel like I was dying or something. My brother later pointed out to me though..."Kristin, he was speaking the truth, your like starts here." My life starts here? What the crap does that mean? Didn't my life already start? I mean I have awesome friends and family who came to my graduation and made me feel like one of the most loved people graduating. I have an amazing boyfriend who I hope to spend my future with. I know what school I am going to and what I want to become. My life starts here? It sounds like my life is supposed to start over or something and that isn't happening, it is just continuing. Yes things will change with college but I don't understand and I don't really want to understand to be honest. So I guess I will just take it one day at a time and look at my life with the perspective I want to. I will laugh when I want to, I will cry when I need to, I will be mature when I need to, and act like a five year old when I want to. I will go where I have to but always come back when I want to...I will make my life continue and not be scared of a new beginning but be excited for a continued journey.

A Quick Post To Someone I Love

I sit here before I go to bed with thoughts in my head. To many of you, if not almost all, this will mean nothing so I promise to write something new soon. I just have a quick word to say. It will work. Yes things change but it is nothing to fear. I can change but it will not cause me to forget my past or the things I love. It can never make me forget the memories or dreams I have of you. Things will be fine. God will lead us where we are meant to go and we can only hope that he will be there with us both. We can only hope that he has the same future for us as we would like for ourselves. Do not fear, it will all be OK. Do not worry, do not be anxious. Do this for me please. I love you.

School's out for summer!

School is out for summer! And standard level education is out forever! Is this not incredible or what? I really don't know how to deal with it. I am sitting here with no homework to do, thinking about how most of my friends still have homework to do. It is a bazaar feeling. A lot of people ask me, "are you excited?" So here is my answer. I am excited that I am leaving BHS and that I get to go somewhere where I can do what I actually want to. I am excited that summer is here and there are quite a few people I am happy I will never see again. Sorry if that sounds mean. But here is the other half. I am sad that I am never going to see some fellow seniors again. I mean I have known some of them since elementary school. Now that's scary! And even though summer is here, I know it is going to fly by. As much as I am excited, I would be a lot more excited if I didn't have to work and neither did my friends. Then everything would be perfect. Conflicted feelings stink. haha. But school is out anyway so how unhappy can I really be?!

Fear

One thing that I know is flowing through me right now is fear. I have nine days of school left and so much ahead of me. It wasn't me who made me think of this though, it was someone else. He let me know that he was scared, scared of me leaving next year. What is it that we are all scared of? I know we have different reasons:

"Will we still be friends if she goes off to college? Will I ever get to see her? Will she even care about me? Will she move on? Will she need me any more? Will she grow up and I will miss it? Will I be lonely without her? How do I deal with the time when she is not around? What will I do at lunch? Can I trust her? What am I missing out on while she is gone?"

I know that these are a few of the questions people are probably thinking, but I have some questions myself:

"How will I change? What kind of stress will I have to deal with? How do I meet new people? How will I deal with missing my friends? Will I have time to go home? How will my parents and friends handle it? Will we make it? Will I pass? How do I deal with living with someone else? Why am I going again?"

I have fears, you have fears. It is frickin scary! I know the only way I can do this though is through support from my friends and family that are so scared, and from God. Now that scares me. I don't think I have heard from God for awhile now, but that is a whole different issue. I am hoping that we can look past the fear and have faith in God and each other. I hope that this fear can go away and we can enjoy the time we have. I still have 3 months, I know that doesn't sound like much, but we have to make the most of it. Please don't be scared and I won't be scared. The only thing we can do is pray for the best and rely on the friendships and trust we already have. I thank you for caring so much for me and I promise I will always do the same...whether I am here...or in Newberg...

Pain Hurts, that is probably why it is called pain

So today it hit me that I keep getting disappointed by my friends. I am at a point where I can't tell when they are lying to me even. Today it really hurt to find out one of them is actually keeping a big part of their life hidden from me. I don't understand why. I haven't done anything to any of my friends. I have always been completely open with them all. I would never judge them or hurt them. I will always be there for them through anything. So why are they hiding stuff from me to keep away the pain when really it is just causing more pain?

Love

I love you

Smile, It makes the world go round

I just wanted to tell anyone who is reading this to smile. There is nothing better than to be able to put a smile on someone elses face. The only way this will happen though is if we smile in the first place. It doesn't hurt to smile, in fact it helps you lose calories...but then again everything does....Anyway my point is, smiling makes yourself happy, smiling makes others happy, and smiling makes me happy!

Just so you know

So I thought I would let you in on why I am creating this blog. I am actually not quite sure myself. It just seems like somewhere I can speak my mind and write what I am feeling. Myspace is just too big and I don't want to write on there. I can actually admit that I have been inspired by Mindy and got the motivation to create this. I hope you find what I say interesting to read and if you don't then you don't have to read it. Ok, so I will talk to you all soon.