I had my weekly meeting with Gene today and in this meeting we discussed how I am like a pendulum, except, I never seem to find the center. I am consistently swinging from one side to the other. Whenever I get what I want, I no longer find happiness there and I want the exact opposite. Then I get the opposite, and I want what I had before. For some reason, I always seem to think that happiness is where I am not. I know that it is unrealistic to think that I should feel happy all the time, but I always feel inside like I will be happier somewhere else.For example, my freshman year of college, I did not bother to have lots of friends. Instead, I preferred to isolate myself, do my hw, and then see Zack the entire weekend. The next year, I had Zack at school, and so I wanted to spend every minute with him. Once I got to spend every minute with him, I no longer wanted it, I wanted the opposite. Now, as you can tell, this doesn't make sense. My freshman year I could have done whatever I wanted, but I didn't. My sophomore year I wasn't free to do what I wanted, but thats what I wanted. (Let me clarify here that it was not Zack who said I could not do what I wanted, it was my fault, and what I felt inside.) I go back and forth and always want what I can't have.
It is no surprise to me now why I am where I am. I have a decision to make. A decision that requires me to choose one or the other. In my head, whenever I think I have made a decision my mind immediately tells me that it is not what I actually want. I actually want the opposite. I can't go either direction and it really stinks. Gene thinks I am fascinating and sees how I am in this loop, but both him and I are lost at how to fix this.
I know one person who could fix it, and this is God. However, He doesn't seem to be doing it. The other belief or frustration that I identified today is that God can do anything, and yet he doesn't seem to do anything. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure he is doing something, but it is hard to feel this inside when I have been in this limbo since the start of 2009 and we are now in the 8th month.
I have been praying to God for patience and that is all I can do right now. I have prayed for trust in God and others. And with lack of communication with both, that is my only choice. I have prayed for answers. I am assuming I will get those eventually. I have prayed to give up control. I have lost all control, almost to a point of feeling helpless (which isn't good). I have prayed to be less selfish. Depending on the outcome of my decision, this could happen. I have also prayed to love unconditionally, and once again this will depend on the outcome.
Now I can see how God is supposedly working in me, but God is all powerful! He could do anything and yet this process is what he chooses to do. I would love to have the answers clear and yet this is the one thing he won't do for me. Why? I don't understand it. He is not only putting me through pain, but others too and this upsets me. Why is it that when God has the power to do anything, he often chooses the hard path for us? I would want the least amount of pain for the ones I love, not the most.
