"The Loser" - Ellingsworth
(Ellingsworth, (c) 2008)
I am prone to lose everything i need
It's something i do, keeps my life unstable
Lose keys, lose shoes, lost that stupid cell phone
Now I've got so good that I think I've lost you
CHORUS
Sometimes I don't even try
I don't even try to find what I've lost
Some times I don't even know
I don't even know till it's too far gone
I can't hold on to anything that's good
But cigarettes and booze won't leave me
If it's true or pure it's headed for misplacement
Oh darling girl, what does that say about you?
CHORUS (Repeat)
This song has been resonating with me lately. I will say right now that everything in this song does not connect with me directly, so do not read into it too much, but the chorus especially does. Lately as I have been experiencing another year at school I have felt like "the loser." This is in multiple ways. I feel alone quite often. It is hard to find new friends as a sophomore. Everyone has their "group" and I am the loser left on the outside. I feel like I keep screwing up. I feel like even the things that I have going well for me I lose sight of. I focus on the negative and over look what I have been given. I fear that I will continue in this spiral and not only not gain what I desire, but lose some of what I have.
The other day when I was having another break down and crying on Zack's shoulder I turned on this song. Without knowing about how much this song related to me, I listened to it and began to sob even more. I try to think about what I have lost. What is is that has gotten me to a point of feeling lonely and unwanted? I have Zack and I have my family and I have God. Why do I feel like I am missing something else? Missing something so important that I can keep crying? I am at the point in the song where it says, "I don't even know until it's too far gone." I think I am here. There is something that is so far gone that I don't even know where to find it. I don't know where to look to fill in this empty feeling. I closed my eyes as I sat there and kept asking God to help me. Just help me. As I sit here now writing this I think I have a place to start. I think I need to find that piece of relationship missing between God and me. I believe in him full heartedly, but I don't think I love him the way I should. I think if I had more trust, I wouldn't feel so hopeless. I have a place to start and I hope that eventually, the song "The Loser," will no longer resonate with me.
