I Refuse to be a Loser any Longer

"The Loser" - Ellingsworth

(Ellingsworth, (c) 2008)

I am prone to lose everything i need
It's something i do, keeps my life unstable
Lose keys, lose shoes, lost that stupid cell phone
Now I've got so good that I think I've lost you

CHORUS
Sometimes I don't even try
I don't even try to find what I've lost
Some times I don't even know
I don't even know till it's too far gone

I can't hold on to anything that's good
But cigarettes and booze won't leave me
If it's true or pure it's headed for misplacement
Oh darling girl, what does that say about you?

CHORUS (Repeat)

This song has been resonating with me lately. I will say right now that everything in this song does not connect with me directly, so do not read into it too much, but the chorus especially does. Lately as I have been experiencing another year at school I have felt like "the loser." This is in multiple ways. I feel alone quite often. It is hard to find new friends as a sophomore. Everyone has their "group" and I am the loser left on the outside. I feel like I keep screwing up. I feel like even the things that I have going well for me I lose sight of. I focus on the negative and over look what I have been given. I fear that I will continue in this spiral and not only not gain what I desire, but lose some of what I have.

The other day when I was having another break down and crying on Zack's shoulder I turned on this song. Without knowing about how much this song related to me, I listened to it and began to sob even more. I try to think about what I have lost. What is is that has gotten me to a point of feeling lonely and unwanted? I have Zack and I have my family and I have God. Why do I feel like I am missing something else? Missing something so important that I can keep crying? I am at the point in the song where it says, "I don't even know until it's too far gone." I think I am here. There is something that is so far gone that I don't even know where to find it. I don't know where to look to fill in this empty feeling. I closed my eyes as I sat there and kept asking God to help me. Just help me. As I sit here now writing this I think I have a place to start. I think I need to find that piece of relationship missing between God and me. I believe in him full heartedly, but I don't think I love him the way I should. I think if I had more trust, I wouldn't feel so hopeless. I have a place to start and I hope that eventually, the song "The Loser," will no longer resonate with me.

The End is Near

Sarah, Kendel, Ann (my roommate for next year), and I

Most of you probably know that I only have one week of school left. This next week I have finals and I am moving back Friday night! Summer one week away and I am in utter shock. I can not believe that 8 months ago I was moving in as a Freshman and that I am already moving out as a Sophomore. I never could have imagined this year going by so fast.

I figured I would write a blog on my college experience and see if I have anything wise to say for those of you who will be entering college next year.

This year was not what I had hoped for. I came into school hoping for the time of life. Everyone always says that college is where you will find yourself and have the best experiences of your life. I didn't quite get this experience. I am not saying I have given up hope. I plan on college getting better over the next few years. Older people even tell me that there Freshman year stunk and Sophomore year got a lot better. I am also not saying that this year was horrible. New transitions always come with troubles though. I liked classes for the most part. There are always those boring ones. It was really neat to have professors who actually cared for the students, as compared to half of the high school teachers. Classes were educational and I know I will be prepared for my career. There of course were troubles in living areas. What can you expect when living with 23 other girls though? I haven't "found myself" so to say, but I am not really looking. I don't really feel like I need to search so much as to just experience. I know my everyday experiences and choices will help me figure this one out. I will also admit that I got out of college what I put into it. The things that I chose to participate in were always worthwhile. It is my fault that I didn't choose to participate in everything. The year is ending nicely though. I got hired as a peer advisor for first semester of next year. It is similar to LINK leader at Beaverton except I get paid! I also found out I got a 1500 scholarship I applied for! woo hoo. We will see how much it helps though since I haven't gotten my award statement yet.

As for this summer, I plan on working full time. Part time with Ms. Piller, nannying her little boy, and part time hopefully as a waitress at Chilis or Red Robins. I am excited for next year. I get to live with a room mate of my own choice and Zack and my friends will be here. It will be awesome.

So a word to all you seniors from a slightly experienced college student. The year is almost over! It may seem like there is a lot left...but it is only barely over a month. You will have so much senior stuff going on that it will just fly by! So depending on who you are, savor it because some of these people you will never see again. It is very true. I talk to a very select few from high school. Also realize that if you want to hold on to your friends from high school, it is possible. Just know that it will take effort on your part. If you don't care to savor it, then do your work, be successful and just slide on through it. Don't get the impression that this summer will be your last as a child. It isn't. It is just the beginning. Make sure you have all your stuff ready for next year. It is fun to buy new things!

As far as next year. Don't be afraid to be yourself. You can be shy or outgoing. It is your choice. If you want to be someone new then do it! But no one is forcing you to. Most importantly though, be yourself and meet people that way. It is hard when often times I get the impression that people are hiding who they are or they act like the have multiple personalities depending on who they are with. Remember that the friends you make will probably be different then the ones you had in high school. There are a ton of people coming from many different backgrounds and it will take perseverance and strength to accept them all and love them all for who they are. Also, the school will make it seem like your first weekend there is the only weekend you will make friends. This is not true. Most of the time the friends you make will be the ones from your dorm floor. You don't need to become best friends the first weekend. I met most of my good friends half way through the year. In fact, the first weekend you will meet so many people, you won't even know who you met by the end. Don't panic. It really isn't that important. Also, the first month could be hard. But you are not alone. Everyone is feeling the same thing as you even if they appear otherwise. Classes aren't any harder than high school. It just involved more reading. Many people won't do the reading, but trust me, it helps you be successful. Don't be afraid to try new things, but also don't feel like you are forced to. You always have a choice. When you are around people all the time, sometimes alone time can be a blessing.

Well I think I gave you plenty of things to think about. I hope all is well and I will be seeing you all soon! (Not like I don't already :) )

Life has a tendency to repeat itself...

A couple weeks ago I went home and found this note to myself on my bed. I had written it in 8th grade and my mom was supposed to keep it for me until I graduated from high school. The following is what I said in it, word for word (including spelling errors.)


April 16, 2003

Dear Mom and Dad and Me,

Since 6th grade I have changed incredibly. First of all I have matured and grown. I am taller, but I have also learned to handle my time easier too. I am stronger emotionally. I don't cry if someone says something mean to me anymore. I have also learned to act like myself so everyone knows my true personality.

Through the past three years I have buitt many strengths. I have become a good actress. I'm not nervous on stage and I've learned to recite with emotion. I am now a stronger leader too. I am a web leader at school and know how to take care of myself, but I am also learning to lead at church and in the community. I have also learned to work in groups well and be proud of who I am.

There are a couple of things I would like to do over. I would have liked to have more fun and not worry so much about homework. In seventh grade I wouldn't have taken the ocean book. I would have been more honest considering I didn't even use the book. I also would have worked harder in band on drums . Then maybe I would have continued band.

I am almost completely ready for highschool. I am ready for the homework load, considering how much we've already done, and I am totally ready to meet new people. Some things I do need to accomplish though are to end the year with good grades and become friendlier. Then maybe I'll gain more friends.

There are many dreams I want to accomplish in highschool. I want to get a letter for a jacket, be a Rythm Bee, become a valid victorian, be on student leadership, and make a lot more friends. To do this I will need to work hard on homework and studying, be friendly to everyone, and have fun.


Love,
Kristin


Shawn-most admired person
job-actress
food-french fries, slushies, popcorn, tacos, brownies
book-harry potter 2 and 4
classes-history, pe, band
best friend(s)-lauren
song-I'm just a kid by simple plan
group-switchfoot
actor-ashton kutcher
tv show-my wife and kids, smallville, more
pastime-playing games with my family-going on vacation-hanging out with friends-going to water waves w/ lauren


After looking at it I began to laugh. It was amazing to me the things that were the same, the things that were different, and my aspirations. I have no idea what ocean book I am talking about taking, lol. Random! I also noticed how my only friend was Lauren. My how that changed! It is funny to see how most of my favorite foods are the same. I can still remember that for years afterwards I wanted to change my favorite actor because I after I gave it to my mom I remembered that Tom Welling was my favorite actor. I think it is really cool how I also fulfilled some of my dreams like getting a letter and becoming a Rhythm "bee" as I put it.

Some things also saddened me. I noticed that I said I didn't want to worry about homework as much and instead have more fun. I think I tried this a little, but not really. Instead I added more duties to my plate with all the activities I chose to do. I do not regret doing the activities, but it is strange how I never changed this aspect of my life. I do worry a lot, and it is interesting how I put "worry about my homework." I guess this worry has been ingrained in me for a long time. Sorry guys!

The thing that saddens me the most is where I said I wanted to be friendlier so I could make more friends. Freshman year of high school was an incredibly sad and lonely year. Even being a freshman here has been hard on me. I can say I have grown a little more in my methods of gaining friends compared to high school, but it has never been what I always dreamed of. I always said I wanted to be so called "friendlier." I realize an issue with this though. I would consider myself friendly, the problem is I am not "outwardly" friendly. I thing I should have said I would like to be more extroverted. It is so easy for me to keep to myself until someone talks to me and then I can be friendly. It is sad how this thing I wanted so bad hasn't really changed. I am not saying I don't have friends and I don't appreciate the ones I have. I just imagined myself being more open and excited towards others. Maybe I should set this goal for myself again and try it again next year? I can hope so.

On a lighter note, it is rather funny the differences between eigth grade and being a freshman in college. Not only the way i write is different, but I also don't think I am planning on becoming a famous actress anymore either. : )

I have a question for you now. What did you want for yourself 1, 5, 10 years ago? Have you accomplished it? Or are you like me and say, "huh, what happened?"

I Surrender All?

Have you ever heard this song before?

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Chorus:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

So I am expecting that most, if not all, of you who read this have heard this song before. On Monday in chapel we sang this song and it hit me how badly I wish I could do that. Ever heard the phrase, easier said than done? Yea, so have I and I am the one you will probably find saying it. Lately I have been having some rough patches in my life. I tried out for a play and didn't get in, I feel lonely at school a lot, problems with friends, just unhappy too often than I would like. I am disappointed and frustrated and have cried more tears than I want to in one week.
I so badly wish I could make this song relevant. Wouldn't it be amazing to to trust every decision that you make in your life because you know God is behind it? Wouldn't it be amazing to live daily for God because that basically means that life would be a lot more joyous and tolerable? Wouldn't it be amazing to not have to bear the burdens of your life because you know that Christ is carrying that baggage for you?
I know it would. I know that if I could surrender it all then my life would be more peaceful. I would be able to understand that God didn't put me in the play for a reason, that God has a plan for me here at fox, a plan with my friends, and he could change my attitude on everything. Even if these things were and are not clear to me, if I surrender them then it doesn't matter. God will make them as they will.
So I guess that is my thought for the week. I pray that as I continue to search and find out what surrendering all means, that you can do the same. I know we all have struggles, however big or small, and I pray that we can give them all up to our Lord and Savior, so we all can no longer be bound to the things holding us back, but instead experience the life He has planned for us here on Earth. You will all be in my thoughts and I hope I in yours. : )