Life has a tendency to repeat itself...

A couple weeks ago I went home and found this note to myself on my bed. I had written it in 8th grade and my mom was supposed to keep it for me until I graduated from high school. The following is what I said in it, word for word (including spelling errors.)


April 16, 2003

Dear Mom and Dad and Me,

Since 6th grade I have changed incredibly. First of all I have matured and grown. I am taller, but I have also learned to handle my time easier too. I am stronger emotionally. I don't cry if someone says something mean to me anymore. I have also learned to act like myself so everyone knows my true personality.

Through the past three years I have buitt many strengths. I have become a good actress. I'm not nervous on stage and I've learned to recite with emotion. I am now a stronger leader too. I am a web leader at school and know how to take care of myself, but I am also learning to lead at church and in the community. I have also learned to work in groups well and be proud of who I am.

There are a couple of things I would like to do over. I would have liked to have more fun and not worry so much about homework. In seventh grade I wouldn't have taken the ocean book. I would have been more honest considering I didn't even use the book. I also would have worked harder in band on drums . Then maybe I would have continued band.

I am almost completely ready for highschool. I am ready for the homework load, considering how much we've already done, and I am totally ready to meet new people. Some things I do need to accomplish though are to end the year with good grades and become friendlier. Then maybe I'll gain more friends.

There are many dreams I want to accomplish in highschool. I want to get a letter for a jacket, be a Rythm Bee, become a valid victorian, be on student leadership, and make a lot more friends. To do this I will need to work hard on homework and studying, be friendly to everyone, and have fun.


Love,
Kristin


Shawn-most admired person
job-actress
food-french fries, slushies, popcorn, tacos, brownies
book-harry potter 2 and 4
classes-history, pe, band
best friend(s)-lauren
song-I'm just a kid by simple plan
group-switchfoot
actor-ashton kutcher
tv show-my wife and kids, smallville, more
pastime-playing games with my family-going on vacation-hanging out with friends-going to water waves w/ lauren


After looking at it I began to laugh. It was amazing to me the things that were the same, the things that were different, and my aspirations. I have no idea what ocean book I am talking about taking, lol. Random! I also noticed how my only friend was Lauren. My how that changed! It is funny to see how most of my favorite foods are the same. I can still remember that for years afterwards I wanted to change my favorite actor because I after I gave it to my mom I remembered that Tom Welling was my favorite actor. I think it is really cool how I also fulfilled some of my dreams like getting a letter and becoming a Rhythm "bee" as I put it.

Some things also saddened me. I noticed that I said I didn't want to worry about homework as much and instead have more fun. I think I tried this a little, but not really. Instead I added more duties to my plate with all the activities I chose to do. I do not regret doing the activities, but it is strange how I never changed this aspect of my life. I do worry a lot, and it is interesting how I put "worry about my homework." I guess this worry has been ingrained in me for a long time. Sorry guys!

The thing that saddens me the most is where I said I wanted to be friendlier so I could make more friends. Freshman year of high school was an incredibly sad and lonely year. Even being a freshman here has been hard on me. I can say I have grown a little more in my methods of gaining friends compared to high school, but it has never been what I always dreamed of. I always said I wanted to be so called "friendlier." I realize an issue with this though. I would consider myself friendly, the problem is I am not "outwardly" friendly. I thing I should have said I would like to be more extroverted. It is so easy for me to keep to myself until someone talks to me and then I can be friendly. It is sad how this thing I wanted so bad hasn't really changed. I am not saying I don't have friends and I don't appreciate the ones I have. I just imagined myself being more open and excited towards others. Maybe I should set this goal for myself again and try it again next year? I can hope so.

On a lighter note, it is rather funny the differences between eigth grade and being a freshman in college. Not only the way i write is different, but I also don't think I am planning on becoming a famous actress anymore either. : )

I have a question for you now. What did you want for yourself 1, 5, 10 years ago? Have you accomplished it? Or are you like me and say, "huh, what happened?"

I Surrender All?

Have you ever heard this song before?

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Chorus:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

So I am expecting that most, if not all, of you who read this have heard this song before. On Monday in chapel we sang this song and it hit me how badly I wish I could do that. Ever heard the phrase, easier said than done? Yea, so have I and I am the one you will probably find saying it. Lately I have been having some rough patches in my life. I tried out for a play and didn't get in, I feel lonely at school a lot, problems with friends, just unhappy too often than I would like. I am disappointed and frustrated and have cried more tears than I want to in one week.
I so badly wish I could make this song relevant. Wouldn't it be amazing to to trust every decision that you make in your life because you know God is behind it? Wouldn't it be amazing to live daily for God because that basically means that life would be a lot more joyous and tolerable? Wouldn't it be amazing to not have to bear the burdens of your life because you know that Christ is carrying that baggage for you?
I know it would. I know that if I could surrender it all then my life would be more peaceful. I would be able to understand that God didn't put me in the play for a reason, that God has a plan for me here at fox, a plan with my friends, and he could change my attitude on everything. Even if these things were and are not clear to me, if I surrender them then it doesn't matter. God will make them as they will.
So I guess that is my thought for the week. I pray that as I continue to search and find out what surrendering all means, that you can do the same. I know we all have struggles, however big or small, and I pray that we can give them all up to our Lord and Savior, so we all can no longer be bound to the things holding us back, but instead experience the life He has planned for us here on Earth. You will all be in my thoughts and I hope I in yours. : )

TAPE

Hey everyone! Long time no talk! Things are going good here considering two weeks until semester is over and then it is Christmas Break! I am so incredibly excited to come home for more than 5 days. I expect that Christmas break will be good with time to see friends, NO homework, and NO Old Navy. I officially quit for those who don't know. Things are really busy here finishing up everything, but I know I will feel amazing when it is all done.

Well, the point of writing this is to let you all know of something I involved in. I am in an acting production series called Ten Ten Ten. What it is, is 10 shows that are 10 minutes long performed at 10:10 pm. There are 9 (usually ten) shows and I am in one of them! They are performed over a two night span. So 5 one night and 4 the next. I am in one called TAPE and I perform this Wednesday the 5 and Friday the 7th, and I think you all should come. It is completely free and will be fun to watch. I totally get to be cruel and mean and it is extremely fun. So if you want to see me as some supernatural, cruel, unhuman being, then you should come!

Let me know and I can give you the details on where it is on campus.

I hope you can make it!

A Tear

I am not really sure what I want to say in this so I will just see what comes out. I am terribly upset right now. Most people around me here probably wouldn't notice but I can definitely feel it inside. I don't particularly want to say what it is that I am upset about through a blog but if you ask then I might tell you. I would like to say hi to all my friends back home. I am sorry if I don't seem like I am making an effort to keep in touch while I am gone. I really do care about you guys and it isn't personal towards you. I have always had a character flaw where I just expect people to contact me instead of the other way around. I am sorry for that and I am not naive to it. It is a two way street though. I do want to say that I still care about you all and miss you a lot. Just because I am away at college it doesn't mean that everything is hunky dory. It is actually a lot harder to find friends you can really confide in then you would imagine. No friends here are like the ones I can trust back home. So yea I am dealing with some stuff so if any of you could pray for me then that would be amazing. Thanks for listening.

Alone in the Rain

It is early in the morning
And there is one thing I can’t quit doing
That is thinking of you
Whether I distract myself
Or choose to give in
It doesn’t stop
It upsets me sometimes
I hate feeling hurt and sad
And yet there are those moments that are unbelievable
It is those other moments that bring everything down
Those times are cold
They are numbing
They are unbearable
And yet they have to happen,
How can anyone know how strong they are
If they only go through the easy times
How can anyone know the love they have
The love they hold
Unless they are forced to bear it
Forced to question it
Questioning can make you stronger
So I guess my point is
It hurts
Its cold
The confusion
The miscommunication
The Silence
It is like rain
And yet it isn’t something to hide from
It is something to embrace
Something that as broken as it can make you feel
The tears that it can make fall
It will prevent in the future
It will heal
It will make stronger
It will warm

A Quick Hello

Ok so I don't have a ton of time but college has been fun so far, but extremely busy. Classes start tomorrow so I will let you know how it goes. Here is a picture of my new friends and I before our hoe down Saturday night. I have friends! Anyway from left to right is Ann, then me, then Stephanie (my roommate), then Kaitlyn, and lastly Maria. I hope you all are doing well and I miss you! Keep in touch. (I will write more soon)

Overlooked Happiness

When asked what one thing makes people between the age of 13 and 24 most happy, 20 percent mentioned spending time with family — more than anything else. About three-quarters — 73 percent — said their relationship with their parents makes them happy. After family, it was relationships with friends that people mentioned most and then relationships with significant others. Religion followed up close behind.

This is an excerpt from an article on MSN about what makes youth truly happy. I wanted to point this out for a couple of reasons and first and foremost because of how interesting it is. Most adults would assumed the cliche sex, drugs, and alcohol and all that partying would make teens happy but the statistics show that activities like sex actually showed teens to be less happy. How many of you expected to see parents and family at the top of the list though?

One thing I have experienced in my life and seen so often through my friends is how little time we spend at home. We are always with our friends and trying to leave home. We believe that being away from our parents will make us happier but after reading this article and spending the day with my parents I see something different. I am not saying that spending time with Zack or other friends doesn't make me happy because it does! But the happiness from really getting along with my parents and spending the day with them was different. On Sunday I went to Enchanted Forest with them and it was so much fun!

I can be happy away from friends and it is a completely different feeling. Knowing that no matter what I do my parents will always love me and care for me is a relief. If one thinks about it, it isn't the same with our friends. We would like to believe that no matter what happens or how our lives change through the year that we can always be friends, but it doesn't happen like that. I learned that this year. The truth is we have pressure. We have pressure from our friends to make sure we don't upset each other or disagree too often or we might lose our friendship. We have to make a daily effort to communicate with one another or our friendship might slip away. No wonder friends is not the number one thing that makes teens happy. Don't you so how much pressure there really is? With our family or parents though, if you fight you will forgive, if you don't talk for a day-you don't assume they have something against you- THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT!

I have seen lately so many of my friends hurting for different reasons and it just supports this theory. I have one friend who seems so often hurt by there friends that they always seems angry or upset. What doesn't help is that they don't have a great relationship with their family either. Not having that relationship with their family first and then the imbalance of their friends seems to make for a stressful life. I know someone else that doesn't have a good relationship with their family and it seems to hurt them and their morale as well.

I know there are different reasons for all of this, whether it be a bad childhood, divorce, lack of communication, or w/e but it can't be ignored. The one thing that is really sad is sometimes the parents don't realize the way their teens need them. It might be the complete opposite, the kids are home but the parents aren't. I often feel like we live in a sad generation where family and the relationships within are not looked at as important. Or if they are looked at as important, they have a distorted image. It can't always be blamed on the teen, and so in that case I wish the parents would open up their eyes as well and see what is happening to their family around them.

I guess my point is, is that as teens we often think that we don't need our family or parents. We are growing up and need our friends more than anything. I have come to realize though that first and foremost I need my parents and family to keep me happy. Then my friends and other loved ones. If it is possible for you, try to work on that first connection because somehow without the stress of hurting your parents or of knowing the continuous love they offer you, it can brighten up your day or your life and allow you to create happiness elsewhere as well.