It's Burning Inside

It is like something is burning inside. Look at the above photo. What do you see? The fire is completely consuming and destroying the wood within it. It will continue to burn until there is nothing left inside. Is there anyway to stop it? Well sorta...I mean you could throw a bunch of water on it and stop the fire but it would still leave a lot of damage.
So I have a point to saying this. I feel like this is what is happening with me. The fire within me is anger. I am so easily angered right now. I am sorry if I have taken it out on you. I am just not sure what to do at this point. I get angered if I hear about something I didn't know. I get angered if things don't go my way. I even get angered when good things happen for other people because I don't seem to have that "luck." I guess that could also be jealousy. What am I to do? I really hope I can figure this out before the fire within me completely destroys me like that wood up above. I hope I can find my water before it is too late and I am completely destroyed.
And just for anyone who chooses to comment with "Give your anger to God," I already know that thanks, it just isn't that easy for me.

What do you think?

So after my graduation on Monday I went to a freakin sweet graduation party (if you will be a senior next year at BHS then I definitely recommend going to yours). There was loads of food and I mean good food too: Panda Express, Big Town Hero, pizza, chocolate fountains, snow cones, espresso bar, etc. We got to gamble, win cool, and when I say cool I mean really cool, prizes like laptops and stuff (of course I didn't win one) and go swimming and rock climb and see the most incredible hypnotist show ever! Well I am writing this because we also got to get fake tattoos. I got three and I wish I could have gotten more. I can defninitely understand why real tattoos are addicting because once I got one I wanted more in other locations too. I want a real tattoo! I have actually wanted one for multiple years and I always hoped I would get mine with Dad. Well he got one over a year ago on his 50th birthday and I am still waiting. Why you may ask? Because my mom is against it. I don't quite understand why...I think it is just because she thinks they are ugly and they could be put in a bad location where you can't hide them if you are trying to look elegant or something but that doesn't really bother me. After getting my fake ones I figured out that I like the idea of having one on my back but up towards/on a shoulder blade. I also liked the idea of having a cross there. I mean it isn't tacky or inappropriate and so I hope to get one one day. What do you think about my idea? Or just tattoos in general? Or do you have any cool designs for a cross that I could use one day?

My Life Starts Here?

So I graduated on Monday and it is a weird thing to think about. One always imagines going to their ceremony and then feeling dramatically different afterwards but it doesn't really happen like that. It feels the same to me and I expect that in a couple months I will be heading back to Beaverton and seeing all the same people again. It won't be like this though. When I was walking off the stage after shaking hands with a few district managers and accepting my diploma from the principal, the main district manager shook my hand and said to me "Have a nice life" I walked away snickering because it made me feel like I was dying or something. My brother later pointed out to me though..."Kristin, he was speaking the truth, your like starts here." My life starts here? What the crap does that mean? Didn't my life already start? I mean I have awesome friends and family who came to my graduation and made me feel like one of the most loved people graduating. I have an amazing boyfriend who I hope to spend my future with. I know what school I am going to and what I want to become. My life starts here? It sounds like my life is supposed to start over or something and that isn't happening, it is just continuing. Yes things will change with college but I don't understand and I don't really want to understand to be honest. So I guess I will just take it one day at a time and look at my life with the perspective I want to. I will laugh when I want to, I will cry when I need to, I will be mature when I need to, and act like a five year old when I want to. I will go where I have to but always come back when I want to...I will make my life continue and not be scared of a new beginning but be excited for a continued journey.

A Quick Post To Someone I Love

I sit here before I go to bed with thoughts in my head. To many of you, if not almost all, this will mean nothing so I promise to write something new soon. I just have a quick word to say. It will work. Yes things change but it is nothing to fear. I can change but it will not cause me to forget my past or the things I love. It can never make me forget the memories or dreams I have of you. Things will be fine. God will lead us where we are meant to go and we can only hope that he will be there with us both. We can only hope that he has the same future for us as we would like for ourselves. Do not fear, it will all be OK. Do not worry, do not be anxious. Do this for me please. I love you.

School's out for summer!

School is out for summer! And standard level education is out forever! Is this not incredible or what? I really don't know how to deal with it. I am sitting here with no homework to do, thinking about how most of my friends still have homework to do. It is a bazaar feeling. A lot of people ask me, "are you excited?" So here is my answer. I am excited that I am leaving BHS and that I get to go somewhere where I can do what I actually want to. I am excited that summer is here and there are quite a few people I am happy I will never see again. Sorry if that sounds mean. But here is the other half. I am sad that I am never going to see some fellow seniors again. I mean I have known some of them since elementary school. Now that's scary! And even though summer is here, I know it is going to fly by. As much as I am excited, I would be a lot more excited if I didn't have to work and neither did my friends. Then everything would be perfect. Conflicted feelings stink. haha. But school is out anyway so how unhappy can I really be?!

Fear

One thing that I know is flowing through me right now is fear. I have nine days of school left and so much ahead of me. It wasn't me who made me think of this though, it was someone else. He let me know that he was scared, scared of me leaving next year. What is it that we are all scared of? I know we have different reasons:

"Will we still be friends if she goes off to college? Will I ever get to see her? Will she even care about me? Will she move on? Will she need me any more? Will she grow up and I will miss it? Will I be lonely without her? How do I deal with the time when she is not around? What will I do at lunch? Can I trust her? What am I missing out on while she is gone?"

I know that these are a few of the questions people are probably thinking, but I have some questions myself:

"How will I change? What kind of stress will I have to deal with? How do I meet new people? How will I deal with missing my friends? Will I have time to go home? How will my parents and friends handle it? Will we make it? Will I pass? How do I deal with living with someone else? Why am I going again?"

I have fears, you have fears. It is frickin scary! I know the only way I can do this though is through support from my friends and family that are so scared, and from God. Now that scares me. I don't think I have heard from God for awhile now, but that is a whole different issue. I am hoping that we can look past the fear and have faith in God and each other. I hope that this fear can go away and we can enjoy the time we have. I still have 3 months, I know that doesn't sound like much, but we have to make the most of it. Please don't be scared and I won't be scared. The only thing we can do is pray for the best and rely on the friendships and trust we already have. I thank you for caring so much for me and I promise I will always do the same...whether I am here...or in Newberg...

Pain Hurts, that is probably why it is called pain

So today it hit me that I keep getting disappointed by my friends. I am at a point where I can't tell when they are lying to me even. Today it really hurt to find out one of them is actually keeping a big part of their life hidden from me. I don't understand why. I haven't done anything to any of my friends. I have always been completely open with them all. I would never judge them or hurt them. I will always be there for them through anything. So why are they hiding stuff from me to keep away the pain when really it is just causing more pain?