Back and Forth, Back and Forth.

I had my weekly meeting with Gene today and in this meeting we discussed how I am like a pendulum, except, I never seem to find the center. I am consistently swinging from one side to the other. Whenever I get what I want, I no longer find happiness there and I want the exact opposite. Then I get the opposite, and I want what I had before. For some reason, I always seem to think that happiness is where I am not. I know that it is unrealistic to think that I should feel happy all the time, but I always feel inside like I will be happier somewhere else.

For example, my freshman year of college, I did not bother to have lots of friends. Instead, I preferred to isolate myself, do my hw, and then see Zack the entire weekend. The next year, I had Zack at school, and so I wanted to spend every minute with him. Once I got to spend every minute with him, I no longer wanted it, I wanted the opposite. Now, as you can tell, this doesn't make sense. My freshman year I could have done whatever I wanted, but I didn't. My sophomore year I wasn't free to do what I wanted, but thats what I wanted. (Let me clarify here that it was not Zack who said I could not do what I wanted, it was my fault, and what I felt inside.) I go back and forth and always want what I can't have.

It is no surprise to me now why I am where I am. I have a decision to make. A decision that requires me to choose one or the other. In my head, whenever I think I have made a decision my mind immediately tells me that it is not what I actually want. I actually want the opposite. I can't go either direction and it really stinks. Gene thinks I am fascinating and sees how I am in this loop, but both him and I are lost at how to fix this.

I know one person who could fix it, and this is God. However, He doesn't seem to be doing it. The other belief or frustration that I identified today is that God can do anything, and yet he doesn't seem to do anything. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure he is doing something, but it is hard to feel this inside when I have been in this limbo since the start of 2009 and we are now in the 8th month.

I have been praying to God for patience and that is all I can do right now. I have prayed for trust in God and others. And with lack of communication with both, that is my only choice. I have prayed for answers. I am assuming I will get those eventually. I have prayed to give up control. I have lost all control, almost to a point of feeling helpless (which isn't good). I have prayed to be less selfish. Depending on the outcome of my decision, this could happen. I have also prayed to love unconditionally, and once again this will depend on the outcome.

Now I can see how God is supposedly working in me, but God is all powerful! He could do anything and yet this process is what he chooses to do. I would love to have the answers clear and yet this is the one thing he won't do for me. Why? I don't understand it. He is not only putting me through pain, but others too and this upsets me. Why is it that when God has the power to do anything, he often chooses the hard path for us? I would want the least amount of pain for the ones I love, not the most.

Tick...tick...tick

Have you ever noticed how when you are waiting for something, the time ticks by so incredibly slowly? Then, no matter how hard you try to distract yourself, it never seems to speed up and you can never distract yourself from what you are waiting for? That feels like life right now.

Wait

I guess I need to continue to wait. No jumping for me. At least not that I know of yet or anything.

Risk

I am not a risky person. I only do things when I know how they will turn out.

I want to take a step. A leap of faith is more like it. But I still fear the future. The unknown.

I pray for my answers. Sometimes I think I get them, but then I get confused and question it all over again.

Does it show more faith by patiently waiting and knowing the answer when it comes, or by jumping in and risking it?

Should this even be a risk? Maybe for someone like me, someone at this point, it is a risk. I am not like others, as we all know.

Faith, risk, or "patiently" wait?

You know...I really hate indecision and the unknown.

Promise of a Lifetime

This is a song I heard last night at the Kutless concert. I really feel like it speaks to me right now.

"I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted"

-Kutless

I Refuse to be a Loser any Longer

"The Loser" - Ellingsworth

(Ellingsworth, (c) 2008)

I am prone to lose everything i need
It's something i do, keeps my life unstable
Lose keys, lose shoes, lost that stupid cell phone
Now I've got so good that I think I've lost you

CHORUS
Sometimes I don't even try
I don't even try to find what I've lost
Some times I don't even know
I don't even know till it's too far gone

I can't hold on to anything that's good
But cigarettes and booze won't leave me
If it's true or pure it's headed for misplacement
Oh darling girl, what does that say about you?

CHORUS (Repeat)

This song has been resonating with me lately. I will say right now that everything in this song does not connect with me directly, so do not read into it too much, but the chorus especially does. Lately as I have been experiencing another year at school I have felt like "the loser." This is in multiple ways. I feel alone quite often. It is hard to find new friends as a sophomore. Everyone has their "group" and I am the loser left on the outside. I feel like I keep screwing up. I feel like even the things that I have going well for me I lose sight of. I focus on the negative and over look what I have been given. I fear that I will continue in this spiral and not only not gain what I desire, but lose some of what I have.

The other day when I was having another break down and crying on Zack's shoulder I turned on this song. Without knowing about how much this song related to me, I listened to it and began to sob even more. I try to think about what I have lost. What is is that has gotten me to a point of feeling lonely and unwanted? I have Zack and I have my family and I have God. Why do I feel like I am missing something else? Missing something so important that I can keep crying? I am at the point in the song where it says, "I don't even know until it's too far gone." I think I am here. There is something that is so far gone that I don't even know where to find it. I don't know where to look to fill in this empty feeling. I closed my eyes as I sat there and kept asking God to help me. Just help me. As I sit here now writing this I think I have a place to start. I think I need to find that piece of relationship missing between God and me. I believe in him full heartedly, but I don't think I love him the way I should. I think if I had more trust, I wouldn't feel so hopeless. I have a place to start and I hope that eventually, the song "The Loser," will no longer resonate with me.

The End is Near

Sarah, Kendel, Ann (my roommate for next year), and I

Most of you probably know that I only have one week of school left. This next week I have finals and I am moving back Friday night! Summer one week away and I am in utter shock. I can not believe that 8 months ago I was moving in as a Freshman and that I am already moving out as a Sophomore. I never could have imagined this year going by so fast.

I figured I would write a blog on my college experience and see if I have anything wise to say for those of you who will be entering college next year.

This year was not what I had hoped for. I came into school hoping for the time of life. Everyone always says that college is where you will find yourself and have the best experiences of your life. I didn't quite get this experience. I am not saying I have given up hope. I plan on college getting better over the next few years. Older people even tell me that there Freshman year stunk and Sophomore year got a lot better. I am also not saying that this year was horrible. New transitions always come with troubles though. I liked classes for the most part. There are always those boring ones. It was really neat to have professors who actually cared for the students, as compared to half of the high school teachers. Classes were educational and I know I will be prepared for my career. There of course were troubles in living areas. What can you expect when living with 23 other girls though? I haven't "found myself" so to say, but I am not really looking. I don't really feel like I need to search so much as to just experience. I know my everyday experiences and choices will help me figure this one out. I will also admit that I got out of college what I put into it. The things that I chose to participate in were always worthwhile. It is my fault that I didn't choose to participate in everything. The year is ending nicely though. I got hired as a peer advisor for first semester of next year. It is similar to LINK leader at Beaverton except I get paid! I also found out I got a 1500 scholarship I applied for! woo hoo. We will see how much it helps though since I haven't gotten my award statement yet.

As for this summer, I plan on working full time. Part time with Ms. Piller, nannying her little boy, and part time hopefully as a waitress at Chilis or Red Robins. I am excited for next year. I get to live with a room mate of my own choice and Zack and my friends will be here. It will be awesome.

So a word to all you seniors from a slightly experienced college student. The year is almost over! It may seem like there is a lot left...but it is only barely over a month. You will have so much senior stuff going on that it will just fly by! So depending on who you are, savor it because some of these people you will never see again. It is very true. I talk to a very select few from high school. Also realize that if you want to hold on to your friends from high school, it is possible. Just know that it will take effort on your part. If you don't care to savor it, then do your work, be successful and just slide on through it. Don't get the impression that this summer will be your last as a child. It isn't. It is just the beginning. Make sure you have all your stuff ready for next year. It is fun to buy new things!

As far as next year. Don't be afraid to be yourself. You can be shy or outgoing. It is your choice. If you want to be someone new then do it! But no one is forcing you to. Most importantly though, be yourself and meet people that way. It is hard when often times I get the impression that people are hiding who they are or they act like the have multiple personalities depending on who they are with. Remember that the friends you make will probably be different then the ones you had in high school. There are a ton of people coming from many different backgrounds and it will take perseverance and strength to accept them all and love them all for who they are. Also, the school will make it seem like your first weekend there is the only weekend you will make friends. This is not true. Most of the time the friends you make will be the ones from your dorm floor. You don't need to become best friends the first weekend. I met most of my good friends half way through the year. In fact, the first weekend you will meet so many people, you won't even know who you met by the end. Don't panic. It really isn't that important. Also, the first month could be hard. But you are not alone. Everyone is feeling the same thing as you even if they appear otherwise. Classes aren't any harder than high school. It just involved more reading. Many people won't do the reading, but trust me, it helps you be successful. Don't be afraid to try new things, but also don't feel like you are forced to. You always have a choice. When you are around people all the time, sometimes alone time can be a blessing.

Well I think I gave you plenty of things to think about. I hope all is well and I will be seeing you all soon! (Not like I don't already :) )